Two Daves Pick The SEC

The score in my Ole Miss – Auburn pick is reversed.  It should have read Ole Miss 24 – Auburn 21.

Thanks to Two Daves reader Richard for pointing this error out. 

Now that we’ve fixed that, and we all pick Ole Miss, Auburn will probably ring up 60 on them. (Hey to Mississippi State)

Perhaps it was the “arm & hammer” Jesus was discussing.  We forgot the Arkansas – Emu game!!

Props to Two Daves reader Josh for pointing this out!!  We appreciate you effort!

 I’ll send my pick now; if Doug and Jesus get theirs done, they will be posted on our blog at http://www.2daves.org

 EMU @ Arkansas

 If it was not the arm & hammer , perhaps it was due to this sounding like a zoo.  In one corner, we have the Arkansas Razorbacks, named for the relentless tenacity demonstrated by wild boars.

 In the other corner, we have Emu’s – large flightless birds. It is noteworthy that while they cannot fly, Emu’s can run at peak speeds of about 30 miles an hour.  Impressive, eh?

 Shouldn’t someone call the SPCA about this?  Flightless birds do not stand a chance against bloodthirsty hogs !!

 If we had not missed this game in our picks, this would be the bitchslap of the week !!  Petrino’s boys will rebound nicely from their loss at Ole Miss as they search for the Holy Grail of a Bowl Game.

Is an Emu related to an Alpaca?

 Pigs 45 – EMU’s 10

Somehow when I was huntin’ and peckin’ on manual typewriter I forgot about the Porkers and Eastern Michigan. Hard to figure that out. On second thought, no it isn’t. I’m guessing Eastern Michigan will show up, cash the check before halftime and get the hell outta Dodge ASAP.

Arkansas 57, Eastern Michigan 13

So, we apparently forgot to pick the Arkansas-Eastern Michigan game. Well, I feel comfortable in stating that Arkansas should win this one in a cake walk. I’m 100% sure Dave would also be behind Mallet & Co. this weekend, but you never know about Mr. Muscatel. Those three day benders drinking Cuervo Gold and watching donkey shows could drive a man to do crazy things, like picking Eastern Michigan straight up. Well, not THAT crazy.

To the three or four Razorback fans who actually read our stuff, we apologize for the error. To be honest, it was intentional after that egg you guys laid against Ole Miss last week.

-Doug

Two Daves Pick The SEC
October 31, 2009

Welcome to Two Daves Pick The SEC!! It’s Halloween, and I heard that SEC referees are saying, “Trick or Treat, Trick or Treat, we’ll decide who you’re gonna beat.” Mike Slive cannot stand for coaches to question his bad officials, so instead of getting good officials, he’s going to fine or suspend anyone that speaks out publicly about officiating. Thanks for addressing the root problem, Mike!

This week, I heard from a longtime friend of the Two Daves, Jesus Muscatel. Jesus is kinda like Bubb Rubb: you never really know where he is or when he’ll show up. Since Jesus was available, I invited him to be a Guest Dave this week and he accepted. Jesus always has a good story to tell.

Doug says:

Mike Slive loves money, and for that reason, he’s loving that big television contract that the SEC has with the worldwide leader. Of course, this has a bit of a negative impact as well, as the conference’s shoddy officiating is getting front-and-center exposure and ad nauseum analysis from every goofy talking head in Bristol. Will this be a catalyst for change? You can’t keep protecting the Floridas, the Alabamas, and the LSUs every week. At some point, the playing field is gonna need to be leveled.

Jesus says:

Jesus Muscatel is in the house. Back from three days on the border, where I had nothing but a couple cases of Corona, an expired tourist visa, some army surplus store rice and beans and a pack mule named Pepe. Good thing for me Greyhound honors frequent rider vouchers. Anyway, mi compadres in the greater Starkvegas area and the moonshine hills of East Tennessee are fuming. They can’t catch a break with the guys in stripes. My only advice to these guys is to take a shot of tequila, look ahead to this week’s matchups and hope for better karma than my cousin Julio Muscatel got from the U.S. Customs Service. Hey, he was told it was nothing more than Arm & Hammer. How would he know?

Ole Miss at Auburn

Dave says:

Auburn was 5-0, sitting on top of the world after beating Tennessee in Knoxville. Who knew that we would see the train wreck that is today’s Auburn football? The War Beagles were blown out by Arkansas and were beaten at home by Kentucky. Does it get much worse than this? If Auburn cannot win one more game, they will not be bowl eligible. People are wondering if Gus’s offense is a gimmick that doesn’t work as often as it does not. Chizik won five games at Iowa State and he’s won five at Auburn. Maybe he’s stuck on five? The 2008 Jevan Snead showed up in Oxford last weekend and led Ole Miss to a win over Arkansas. Nutt suddenly figured out that getting the ball in Dexter McCluster’s hands as often as possible is a good thing, and McCluster ran wild over the hogs. Auburn is lacking confidence right know, and I don’t know that they can right the ship. At least not this weekend.

Auburn 24
Ole Miss 21

Doug says:

Vanderbilt 2008, meet Auburn 2009. 5-0 going on 6-6 and a by-the-skin-of-your-teeth berth in the Music City Bowl. Dexter got his groove back last week, but how much confidence do you have in Houston Nutt’s play calling to believe he actually learned anything from this? Lucky for the Rebs, Chris Todd is the QB for Auburn. I don’t know how effective land sharks can be on the plains, but we’ll find out.

Confederates 28
War Tigers 21

Jesus says:

Houston Nutt and Gus Malzahn will lead the Jordan-Hare crowd in a stirring rendition of “Kumbaya” before they let the war eagle loose. Somehow, the Ole Miss band will break into a rap version of “From Dixie With Love,” and the Rebs’ Jerrell Powe will storm through the Auburn line and drop Chris Todd on his keister. Then Jevan Snead will throw a coupla touchdown passes, Ben Tate will wonder where all his help went and the Tigers will have lost their fourth straight. Somebody give Gene Chizik a lifeline.

The Miss of Old 27
Auburnt 17

Mississippi State at Kentucky

Dave says:

Mississippi State gave Florida all they wanted in Starkville. True freshman safety Jonathan Banks had two pick sixes of Jesus Tebow, one went over 100 yards, yet that did not warrant being SEC defensive player of the week? I’m not sure what in the hell those clowns are doing in Birmingham, but they are completely screwing up. Their media rights policies and shoddy officiating will alienate fans. I applaud Dan Mullen and Lane Kiffin for calling out the egregious officiating!! Kentucky’s run defense is the worst in the SEC. Mississippi State features a beast of a running back in Anthony Dixon. If State can keep this game physical and feed Dixon the ball, they win. If this becomes a track meet, Kentucky wins. Dan Mullen has done a fantastic job in Starkville; his teams never quit. That’s something State fans couldn’t say in the last few years. Rich Brooks has done a great job in Lexington as well.

Anthony Dixon 27
Track Stars 26

Doug says:

Kentucky is soft against the run, and Mississippi State has run the ball fairly effectively against the likes of LSU and Florida. Open and shut case, right? Well, I watched the Kentucky defense contain Auburn’s two-headed rushing monster in their upset win over the Tigers. Never underestimate that crusty Rich Brooks. I think State has a fair chance to win this game if they don’t do something stupid, like fake a punt from their own fifteen yard line.

Dontae Jones 31
Ron Mercer 28

Jesus says:

Dan Mullen brought the smack down on SEC replay official Dan Dembenski after the Bullies got hosed in last week’s close-but-no-cigar tussle with the Florida Gators. MSU covered the spread, though, and that’s the important thing when you’re trying to get away from the Federales in Mexico City with $6 in your pocket and a burro named Tebow. “I mean, I hope he is severely punished, if he ever works in the SEC again,” said Dan The Man. Yo, Danny Boy, that’s some serious cojones. It’ll carry over to a road trip to The Lex.

The Miss of State 26
The U of K 23

Tulane at LSU

Dave says:

There is so much hatred in the SEC: Auburn/Alabama, State/Ole Miss, Florida/Georgia…these are the ones that grab the headlines. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that the LSU/Tulane game can compete with these other rivalries. LSU people hate Tulane people. Tulane thinks they can hang with the big boys. Guess what? They cannot do so. Brandon LaFell might even get to break out his playmaker eye gear.

LSU 36
Tulane 13

Doug says:

Something is not quite right with this LSU team. The talent is there. They’re still intimidating. They’re still big and strong. They still have 90,000 coonasses in their stadium every week. But they become shockingly ordinary in almost every game they play. Eventually, Lester’s going to pay for that with his rear end. But, notice I said “almost every game”, because they won’t look ordinary this week.

Backwoods Coonasses 41
Uptown Coonasses 10

Jesus says:

Really, why do they bother playing football anymore at Tulane? I’ve seen better crowds at Manuel’s Cockfights in Matomoros. I know they’re going to Tiger Stadium, they’ll get a check for their efforts, and then take a beating and go back to reminiscing about the 1931 Rose Bowl appearance against Southern Cal, not to mention the Bacardi Bowl loss to the Havana Athletic Club in 1909. The Greenies’ coach that year was a cat named Buster Brown. Fidel’s crazy uncle called the shots for HAC, I’m told.

LSU 68
Too-late 8

Florida vs. Gawga in The Jax

Dave says:

The world’s largest cocktail party invades Jacksonville this weekend. Florida has struggled to win its last two games and Georgia has just flat out struggled this season. If Georgia can stop Tebow, Hernandez and Cooper, they can win this game. The problem is that nobody has been able to stop them. The irony here is that Tim Tebow will break Herschel Walker’s SEC touchdown record against UGA. Speaking of hatred, there will be plenty to go around this weekend in Jacksonville.

Florida 27
Georgia 17

Doug says:

Every time this game is on the docket, I’m reminded of a Steve Spurrier story. In the days of Wuerffel and Manning, the ol’ ball coach was asked one day if he or his team were bothered by the large amounts of smack talk coming from the Volunteers. Spurrier’s reply? “You know, Georgia used to talk smack, too. Now they just take their whippins quietly.” Those days are gone, but a simple formula still applies to any game that involves the Georgia Bulldogs: if the game is held during the daylight, and the opponent is not Vanderbilt, bet against Joe Cox. Tebow may throw a couple of TDs to the Georgia secondary, though.

Overrated Gators 24
Hairy Dawgs 14

Jesus says:

Georgia wins this game about as often as Juan Valdez comes out of the mountains to share his coffee with Cristobal Cartel in the Baja, which is to say not often. I ‘member when Mark Richt told his bunch to jump up and down like a buncha spring breakers at Carlos and Charlie’s when they scored a touchdown, and it helped beat Tee-bow and the Crocs a couple years back. Don’t think those kinda tactics will work this time. Florida gets its act together this week.

Gainesville’s Finest 30
Athens’ Not-So-Finest 21

South Carolina at Tennessee

Dave says:

This game will be interesting. Tennessee should be flat after the Alabama game (hey, more hatred). Spurrier has a great track record against Tennessee. This game will come down to The Visor versus the Tampa cover 2. Spurrier’s offense didn’t work so well at the next level, while Monte Kiffin’s defense did. The problem? Tennessee has not got that level of talent right now. I expect a defensive slugfest, much like Tennessee has been involved in this year with Florida and Alabama. Props to Jonathon Crompton for his solid performance at Alabama. Too bad he can’t kick field goals, too.

AKC 13
UT 10

Doug says:

The resistible force (Crompton) versus the movable object (Garcia). Two stout defenses will be on display here, as Ellis Johnson matches wits with Monte Kiffin. The offense that makes the fewest mistakes will win this one. With the QBs involved, that previous statement strikes fear into everyone with a rooting interest in this game. My brain says to go with the home team, but my gut tells me that Crompton’s deal with the devil is set to expire this week, and Garcia, Norwood, and company make enough plays to pull it off.

Cackolackey 24
Rocky Top 20

Jesus says:

Leave it to our boy Coach O to follow in Lane Kiffin’s footsteps on the conspiracy front. They’re mad as hell in Knoxville and they’re not gonna take it anymore. “Seems like some people get the calls and some people don’t,” the Vols’ resident nuclear physicist said. “I’ve been in this league and I’ve been a part of that. Whether that’s true or not, you can never prove that.” Yo, yo, yo, Brent Schay-fah!

The Game of, Uh, Never Mind 14
O’s Still a Part of That 10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt

Dave says:

This one is over and it hasn’t been played yet. Georgia Tech will run for miles against Vanderbilt. Paul Johnson’s triple pronged running game will feast on Vanderbilt’s defense. Don’t feel quite so bad Commodore fans, Tech has done this to many teams this year. Then again, you did lose to Army. That warrants this being the BITCHSLAP OF THE WEEK!!!!

Georgia Tech 45
Vannerbilt 17

Doug says:

Wow, Georgia Tech must really miss playing in the SEC, since they have three teams from the finest conference in the land on their non-conference schedule. Of course, they’ll go 3-0 in those games, too. I’m gonna keep stealing Bubb’s Commodore (the band) references until he shows up here to do something about it.

BEEEES! 42
Easy Like Sunday Morning 14

Jesus says:

I called my high school math teacher to get the probability of a major upset in Music City. She said, “It’s not gonna happen, Jesus. And I know you cheated on that geometry test.” Hey I thought there was some kinda statue of limitations on that kinda deal.

Yellow Jax 31
‘Dores in Retreat 13

Last week:

Dave (5-1)
Doug (5-1)

Overall:

Dave (51-10) – 84%
Doug (50-11) – 82%

Two Daves Pick The SEC
October 24, 2009

Welcome to Two Daves Pick The SEC! We are heading down the stretch, the most critical part of the season for most of the SEC. Florida and Alabama want to win the SEC and play in the BCS title game. Auburn, LSU, Georgia, Arkansas, Ole Miss, Kentucky, South Carolina and even Mississippi State still hope to go bowling. There are some great matchups this weekend, and many of these games will have direct impacts on these aspirations.

Doug says:

Well, last week was interesting, to say the least. Florida needed some favorable officiating and some shaky special teams play to edge Arkansas. Georgia’s Joe Cox played well in a day game. Ole Miss kicked the crap out of another C-USA team and impressed exactly nobody in the process. Auburn continued to turn into a pumpkin by laying a stinker against Kentucky, who was starting a true freshman QB. Vanderbilt sucks again. Oh, and Alabama is good.

Arkansas at Mississippi

Dave says:

Bobby Petrino was reprimanded by the Gestapo, excuse me, the SEC headquarters for publicly criticizing the officials from the Arkansas-Florida game. Way to go Petrino, it’s about time someone had the guts to call out officials that make really bad calls that can cost a team the game. Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen should have done the same when C-USA officials raped Mississippi State a couple of weeks ago. The Pigz have transcended into a pretty good football team. They skulldrug Texas A&M, they hammered then-undefeated Auburn, and they almost beat Florida in the Swamp. I’m also sure that there are some hard feelings on the Arkansas team with Houston Nutt bailing out for Ole Miss. Nutt had a solid first year, capped off with a bitchslap of Texas Tech.

The Rebels had high expectations for 2009. That went over like the Hindenburg. For whatever reason, QB Jevan Snead looks nothing like the 2008 QB that torched defenses across the SEC. If the 2009 Jevan Snead shows up this weekend, Ole Miss will lose. Conversely, if the 2008 Jevan Snead shows up, Ole Miss wins this game.

Arkansas 31
2008 28

Doug says:

This is probably the toughest game to pick this week. We can all safely assume that the Arkansas offense will show up. Everything else is a big question mark. Can the Hog defense stop Ole Miss? Or will Ole Miss stop themselves, like they’ve done so well to this point? My brain says to pick Ole Miss, but my gut says to pick Arkansas. I will let the calculator settle the tie.

Ole Miss at home: +10 UM
With Dexter McCluster in the Wildcat: +5 UM
And Jevan Snead throwing picks: +10 Ark
And Houston Nutt calling plays: +5 Ark
And the band no longer playing “From Dixie With Love”: +3 Ark

Overalls 23
J Crew 20

Tennessee at Alabama

Dave says:

Where is Bubb Rubb when you need him? WOO WOOOOO! This game is going to be fun. In the offseason, Lane Kiffin took some swipes at Nick Saban. Would you poke the devil in the eye and expect to get away with it? People say that Tennessee has had two weeks to prepare for this rivalry game. I say so what? Alabama is much better coached, has much more talent, and they are playing at home. Monte Kiffin can only do so much. After being named the SEC Offensive player of the week, Crompton is due to have a typical horrible game. This is almost a perfect storm.

Alabama 38
Tennessee 17

Doug says:

The third Saturday in October used to be a meaningful, magical weekend specifically because of this matchup. Maybe the excitement will return some day, but the luster has faded somewhat. I am about 100% sure that Crompton is going to have a nightmarish game. It’s the perfect recipe: bland, underwhelming QB against raging beast of a defense. UT is getting better, but this one, I think, will be ugly.

Alabama at home: +10 Alabama
With their defense playing well: +5 Alabama
And facing Jonathan Crompton: +5 Alabama
Eric Berry bonus: +5 UT
Saban vs. Kiffin/Kiffen/Orgeron: +10 Alabama

Red Elephants 28
Orange Crushed 3

Vanderbilt at South Carolina

Dave says:

After reaching a bowl game and winning it in 2008, Vanderbilt has assumed the fetal position. They look like the Vandy of old, and that’s not good news. Jesus, they lost to Army! Consider that South Carolina is playing very good football as of late, and they are one win away from bowl eligibility. They will get it this weekend. All-world Eric Norwood will feast upon the hideous Commode Doors.

AKC 34
Vandy 10

Doug says:

The Ol’ Ball Coach will tie Vince Dooley for third in all-time SEC wins with a victory in this one. And he shouldn’t have a problem getting it done. Vanderbilt returned tons of players from last year’s bowl team, but they’ve still inexplicably returned to the Vandy we all know and love. Our boy Bubb finds this depressing, which is why he probably keeps blowing off our requests to return as a guest Dave.

Carolina at home: +10 SC
Garcia playing better: +5 SC
Vanderbilt offensive futility: +10 USC
Overall athletic talent comparison: +10 USC
Overall academic talent comparison: +15 Vandy

Cackolackey 30
Easy Like Sunday Morning 10

Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky

Dave says:

My guess is this is homecoming weekend in Lexington. The Cats should welcome home Rich Brooks and the team after an impressive win on the road at Auburn. That win kept UK’s bowl chances alive. They will win this weekend, improving to 4-3 with five games left to play. I think they have a good chance at reaching that magical sixth win. But for now…

UK 26
ULM 17

Doug says:

Even though you wouldn’t know by looking at him, Rich Brooks is happy after his team defeated Auburn last week. He’s even happier knowing that he’s got a directional Louisiana on the agenda for this week. Kentucky’s basketball program has learned that John Calipari’s top thug, er, recruit, has eligibility issues, so the majority of the Kentucky fanbase is on suicide watch right now. That should make for a fairly muted crowd for this game. Don’t look for it to hurt the Mildcats.

Kentucky at home: +5 KY
For homecoming: +5 KY
Against Directional Louisiana: +10 KY
Talent discrepancy: +5 KY
Apathetic fans: +5 ULM

Mildcats 27
Roadkill 7

Florida at Mississippi State

Dave says:

ESPN is sending its A team to cover this game, and for good reason. Florida is one of the top two teams in the nation, first in the BCS rankings. Former Florida offensive coordinator Dan Mullen is now the head coach at Mississippi State, and Mullen has made significant improvement in Starkville in his first year. Then again, a goat could do better than Sylvester Croom.

Most of the media is looking at this game from the Meyer-Mullen-Tebow angle. After all, these three were together to win the BCS title game in January. I can tell you right now that this will not mean jack when these teams hit the field. All three of these men are fierce competitors and friendships will mean nothing for 60 minutes.

Others are covering this game from the “Florida hasn’t won in Starkville in its last four trips” perspective. That is true, Florida has not won in Starkville since 1986. Spurrier brought highly ranked teams to town and left with ass whippings. Ron Zook was the first coach to be Croomed. Enter Urban Meyer, a coach sporting a 50-9 record as head coach at Florida, an eye-popping .847 winning percentage. The Gators have won two BCS titles in three seasons under Meyer. Florida in a cakewalk, right? Not so fast my fine feathered friends. Florida’s offense is missing something this year. Some say Louis Murphy and Percy Harvin. The biggest thing missing from Florida is Dan Mullen. Mullen has transformed a team that would not, could not compete against most of the SEC into one that has been on the verge of major upsets. Just ask LSU.

Mississippi State can win this game. They’ve got a tremendous running game, lead by Anthony Dixon. Florida and Mississippi State have both turned the football over a great deal in the last few games. That cost Mississippi State three wins, but Florida overcame their turnovers. If Florida executes their passing game very well, they win this game. If Mississippi State does not turn the ball over, they have a chance to win. I expect this to be a very close game, decided late in the fourth quarter. Do not be surprised if Meyer follows Spurrier and Zook in leaving Starkville with a loss.

Florida 28
Mississippi State 27.99999

Doug says:

Every talking head with a microphone has Florida on upset alert here. I get it, Mullen vs. his old team, Florida not playing well, MSU is much improved, blah, blah, blah. I think the spread is way too large (MSU +23 last I saw) and I do believe State can keep it competitive. But they’re not going to beat Tebow and the Gators. I mean, it can’t happen, right?

MSU at home: +10 MSU
In front of record crowd: +10 MSU
Tebow vs. Lee: +20 Fla
Meyer vs. Mullen: Push
Turnover margin: +10 Fla

Fighting Tebows 24
Midget QB 14

Auburn at LSU

Dave says:

It wasnt too long ago that this game decided which of these teams would play in the SEC Championship game. With both of these teams sitting on five wins, the only thing certain is that one of these teams will become bowl eligible this weekend. LSU still has a chance or reaching Atlanta, and Auburn does not after losing to Kentucky at home. If Kentucky was able to put the clamps on Auburn’s offense, then LSU should be able to as well. The question is can LSU’s offense perform against Auburn’s defense. I can’t answer that. Home field advantage wins this.

LSU 28
Auburn 27

Doug says:

Well, the real Auburn has arrived. Is Chizik still a coach of the year candidate? Are the Tigers this year’s Vanderbilt (jump out to 5-0 and make a bowl game by the skin of their teeth)? These are all good questions. This is still a winnable game for the Barn, because LSU hasn’t impressed many folks to this point. As a wise man once said, this is why they play the game. This matchup conjures up magical memories for me. If you ever see pictures of me and Magee floating around in LSU gear, it’s not because we’re coonasses, but because we’ve attended this game before and wore purple to keep from getting our asses whipped.

LSU at home: +10 LSU
At night: +10 LSU
Quarterback comparison: Push
Gary Crowton vs. Gus Malzahn: +20 Auburn
Les Miles vs. Gene Chizik: +1 LSU

Coonasses 31
War Tigers 30

Last week:
Dave (5-1)
Doug (5-1)

Overall:
Dave (46-9) – 84%
Doug (45-10) – 82%

Two Daves Pick The SEC
October 17, 2009

Welcome to Two Daves Pick The SEC! Midway through the 2009 season, it’s clear that Alabama and Florida will play for the SEC Championship and one of them will play in the BCS Championship game. Below the top shelf, there’s still LSU, Auburn, and South Carolina. Georgia has to be the disappointment of the 2009 season.

Tuesday will mark the 32nd anniversary of the tragic plane crash that almost killed the Lynyrd Skynyrd band. Lead singer Ronnie Van Zant, guitarist Steve Gaines, backup singer Cassie Gaines (Steve’s sister), and road manager Dean Kilpatick were all cut down just as the band had found new magic with the addition of Steve Gaines as the third guitarist, replacing Ed King. I say amost killed as the band is still touring today. Guitarist Gary Rossington is the only member of today’s band that was there before the plane crash. The other touring original, pianist Billy Powell, died in January from heart failure. In an age filled with one hit wonders, you just don’t see musicians that put in the effort that the Skynyrd boys have over the decades. It’s been 35 years since Sweet Home Alabama was recorded, and I can’t think of one song written today that will be remotely close in popularity. After all, what song is it you wanna hear?

Doug says:

Last week was a tough one for yours truly. After building a sterling won/loss record on picks, my calculator let me down and I went 3-4 last week. To be fair, few expected Tennessee and Arkansas to do what they did, or for Vanderbilt to choke against Army. But, such is life in the SEC. This year, more than ever, the league is the toughest, top to bottom, in the land. On any given week, you may get beat by anyone. It’s not so good if you’re trying to pick winners, but if you’re a fan of the league, you gotta love it. This week’s slate is not as impressive, but I’m giving the calculator the week off anyway.

Georgia at Vanderbilt

Dave says:

Once upon a time, Georgia could chalk this up as a win in July. Today, the Bulldogs look like their Mississippi State brethren of 2008, playing sloppy and unproductive football. When you make Jonathan Crompton the SEC offensive player of the week, you have clearly sucked more than Monica Lewinsky. The Mark Richt death watch officially kicked off last weekend, as many Dawg fans are calling for changes at the top.

Speaking of Vanderbilt, they’ve regained control of the Crappiest Team in the SEC title. Good God, losing to Army? LOSING TO ARMY? Pathetic. The suck factor will be so bad in Nashville this weekend that a vortex will form, possibly consuming both teams.

Georgia 14
Vanderbilt 13

Doug says:

My goodness, Vanderbilt sucks. Potential saving grace for the Commodores: Georgia’s QB, Joe Cox, hasn’t won a day game all year. He plays well at night but wilts in the sun. I don’t think that matters this week, though. Look for the Dawgs, fresh off a humiliating loss to Tennessee, to take their frustrations out on a Commodore team that has inexplicably taken three steps backward this year.

Whipped Dawgs 24
Easy Like Sunday Morning 10

Mississippi State at Middle Tennessee State

Dave says:

13 turnovers in their last three games; that’s Mississippi State football. As you would expect, the Dawgs are 0-3 in those games. MTSU is excited to host its first ever game against an SEC foe. This game will tell us a great deal about Dan Mullen’s coaching ability. Will State assume the fetal position, or come out swinging? I think the Dawgs come out swinging and will put one away for a change.

Mithipppi State 27
MTSU 17

Doug says:

How does an SEC school go on the road to play a team like MTSU? Granted, State is barely an SEC school, but you get the drift. The Bulldogs got the shaft last week and would’ve beaten Houston with a decent set of referees. That bunch that called last week’s game would actually make the worst SEC crew look competent. I watched MTSU play Troy earlier in the year and they looked terrible. On top of that, three of their better players are being held down by the man this week after participating in some extracurricular activities of a nefarious nature. State SHOULD roll, but we are talking about Mississippi State, after all.

Tupelo Suburb 31
Nashville Suburb 24

UAB at Ole Miss

Dave says:

Ole Miss got whipped by Alabama, and were it not for a solid defensive performance by the Rebels, that game would’ve been exceptionally ugly. Jevan Snead, I understand why Mack Brown picked Colt over you. Jevan can thank the patented Sports Illustrated Kiss of Death for his woes. Ole Miss should win this game.

Ole Miss 24
UAB 10

Doug says:

The Rebs have been a huge disappointment this year. Rumblings out of Oxford this week suggest that Jevan Snead may see some time on the bench. What ever will the Reb faithful do with all their Snead For Heisman bumper stickers? I gotta believe UAB is going to get destroyed in this game. Ole Miss has to show that they are better than they’ve played for their own mental state, and the mental state of their collective fan base. If they play poorly here, it doesn’t bode well for their stretch run. That strange noise you’re hearing is Arkansas fans snickering and saying, “told you”.

The Mythical Colonel Reb 38
Puff The Magic Dragon 14

Arkansas at Florida

Dave says:

Arkansas skulldrug Auburn last weekend in Fayetteville. Bad news for the hogs, as they are playing a contender this weekend, not a pretender. Florida’s defense suffocated LSU last weekend in Death Valley, at night, with LSU sporting white jerseys. If you can dominate a road game like Florida’s defense did, imagine what they will do at home. Arkansas isn’t going down without a fight; their offense is potent. We’ll find out how good they are this weekend. See, I wrote about this game without saying his name.

Tebow, dammit, I said it 34
Pigz 13

Doug says:

Tim Tebow showed no ill effects from the brutal concussion he suffered against Kentucky. How do I know it was brutal? Because ESPN showed the replay of it 12,654,564 times last week. Meanwhile, Arkansas has suddenly shown that it’s not the pushover everyone thought. They still have a few issues on defense, but they’re as good as anyone in the conference on the offensive side. They’ll have to be good this week.

Tebow Express 31
Air Hogs 20

Kentucky at Auburn

Dave says:

Auburn returns home after a 1-1 road trip including a win at Tennessee and an ass whippin’ at Arkansas. Kentucky lost a must win game at South Carolina. Does Gene Chizik get his Tigers back on the winning track? Hey, they are one win from bowl eligibility. Does Kentucky pull the upset? I don’t think so, Gus. I expect Auburn to get back on track this weekend.

Auburn 34
Kentucky 17

Doug says:

Well, Auburn sure returned to earth last week. They were due for a letdown at some point, but I didn’t see it happening there. Kentucky showed that they’re no pushover themselves before falling just short against South Carolina. This one has the potential to be tight, but I think Malzahn the mad genius will draw up enough plays in the dirt to get it done.

War Tigers 31
Mildcats 21

South Carolina at Alabama

Dave says:

The Red Elephants stomped Colonel Rebel into the ground in Oxford. Alabama looked impressive in all phases of the game and I don’t know that there is a team playing better football in the nation. Most coaches and media agree as Alabama jumped over Texas into second place in the polls. The Ol’ Ball Coach would love to pull off this upset, but it ain’t gonna happen. Nick Saban will sacrifice the chickens on his march to Atlanta. The one thing USC has going for them is Ellis Johnson, a former UAT assistant. He puts a solid defense on the field every game, but the hammer of Mark Ingram will eventually break that defense.

Alabama 27
USC 13

Doug says:

It took him long enough, but the OBC is starting to put a product on the field that we expected of him. Unfortunately for him, he’s got to scheme up something to beat Alabama, a team playing as well or better than any team in the country. The Tide methodically took care of business against Ole Miss last week, and will probably do the same against the Cocks. When they ultimately play Florida, they’ll need to figure out how to get the ball in the endzone, but for right now, field goals are all they need to supplement their defense.

Big Ol’ Hairy Tide 20
Cackolackey 10

Last week:
Dave (4-3)
Doug (3-4)

Overall:
Dave (41-8)
Doug (40-9)

Two Daves Pick The SEC
October 10, 2009-10-09

Welcome to Two Daves Pick The SEC! It’s October and we are getting into the heart of conference games that play key roles in who gets to play in Atlanta for the SEC Championship. Who are the contenders? The pretenders? Read on my friends.

Don’t forget the blog of insanity: http://www.2daves.org

Doug says:

Decision Week. Separation Saturday. Whatever crappy cliché ESPN decides to use to describe this week in the SEC, it won’t change the fact that this is going to be a fun week of football. There are so many underlying storylines for this weekend. Will anyone show up to watch Vandy and Army? Will Houston’s QB throw for 700 yards against Mississippi State? Can Kiffykins’ boys overcome their incrompetence and beat Georgia? Oh, and if you don’t care about drama, you can just watch Alabama-Ole Miss or Florida-LSU.

Auburn at Arkansas

Dave says:

If there ever was an upset special of the week, this is it. Auburn comes into Fayetteville sporting a 5-0 record, and Gus Malzahn, the former Arkansas Offensive Coordinator. Arkansas is fresh off a bitchslap of Texas A&M in Jerry’s World. This game will likely be another offensive shootout as both teams possess high-octane offenses. This game will come down to which team plays better defense. Right now, I think Auburn does, but I will not be surprised if Arkansas wins this game.

Auburn 34
Arkansas 33.999999999

Doug says:

It’s amazing how things change week over week. If this game were two weeks ago, I’d pick Auburn to win this one comfortably. After the Hogs’ complete dismantling of Texas A&M last week, I am reconsidering. Just how bad is A&M? That is the million dollar question. Gus Malzahn, a man who once walked on water in Arkansas, is returning once again, and I have a feeling that he’ll be glad to see old friends until the kickoff. Then he’ll try to hang 60 on his old friends. I don’t think that will happen, but I expect the scoreboard to light up in this one.

Arkansas at home: +15 Ark
Malzahn homecoming: +15 Aub
Defensive comparisons: +10 Aub
Petrino vs. Chizik: +5 Ark
Ben Tate De-Cleater bonus: +5 Aub

War Tigers 48
War Pigs 38

Vanderbilt at Army

Dave says:

Army has a solid rushing game and Vanderbilt’s defensive strength is in pass defense – look at what Mississippi State did to them. Army hasn’t been consistent on offense, and I think that will be their undoing against the Commodores.

Vandy 21
Army 14

Doug says:

This game is this week’s “who gives a crap” game. Sorry, Vandy fans. Especially Bubb (please don’t carjack me or anything). The Commodores need a win badly, but this is just the kind of game they historically stumble on.

Army at home: +15 Army
In front of dozens of fans: +15 Vandy
Academy football bonus: +5 Vandy
SEC schedule: +5 Vandy
SEC bottom-feeder: +6 Army

Commodores 21
Commandos 17

Georgia at Tennessee

Dave says:

Georgia pulled a Mississippi State and choked against LSU when victory was near. How does Tennessee get their offense going with a mediocre QB? How does Georgia respond to its tough loss at home? I know this, Mark Richt always has his teams ready for road games; they are always well-prepared. Tennessee does not have the players to execute a good offense right now. I’m $ure that will change in time.

Georgia 24
Tennessee 20

Doug says:

This game doesn’t have the mystique surrounding it that it normally does, and that doesn’t feel right to me. Tennessee could play well enough to win this game, right up until Crompton loses it for them. Seriously, how bad must Nick Stephens be if he can’t beat out Crompton for the starter’s job? I honestly don’t think Crompton could wi the starting QB job at Mississippi State. Georgia, on the other hand, doesn’t have QB issues. Well, they might this week, since it’s a known fact that Cox is better after sundown. Insert your own joke here.

Vols at home: +15 UT
Defensive comparisons: +10 UT
Eric Berry is a grown man bonus: +15 UT
Quarterback comparison: +40 Georgia
Referee make-up calls bonus: +10 Georgia

Hairy Dawgs 30
Incrompetence 20

Kentucky at South Carolina

Dave says:

This is a big game for both of these teams. QUIT LAUGHING! Kentucky needs a win to get over .500 while South Carolina still has a mathematical chance at winning the SEC title. I SAID QUIT LAUGHING! Expect blood and gore as the AKC’s Eric Norwood blows up a few cats on Saturday. UK’s Randall Cobb is an impressive player; he can make a positive difference for Kentucky. The one thing going against UK is Ellis Johnson, the defensive mastermind at South Carolina. He’ll have his group ready.

AKC 31
UK 20

Doug says:

Two weeks ago, Coach Spurrier compared beating #4 Ole Miss to beating Kentucky. If that’s the case, the old ball coach should be feeling really good again this weekend. Rich Brooks looks like the kinda guy who drinks cheap beer and kicks his dog when his team loses. I feel sorry for his dog.

Carolina at home: +15 SC
Stephen Garcia: +15 KY
Mike Hartline: +10 SC
Eric Norwood: +10 SC
John Calipari: +5 KY

Cackolackey 31
Mildcats 16

Houston at Mississippi State

Dave says:

Mississippi State, who probably just had another turnover, hosts Houston in Starkvegas. Houston’s offense is amazing. QB Casey Keenum was 51-76 for 536 yards and five TDs last weekend in a loss to UTEP. State has turned the ball over nine or ten times in the last two games, which is absurd. If they don’t turn the ball over, they beat LSU and probably beat Georgia Tech. Making matters worse is Carl Torbush’s “what is” pass defense. State’s secondary is young and they give up the big play a lot. Whoops, State just turned the ball over again. Do you sense a recurring theme?

Houston 37
State 31

Doug says:

There are few certainties in life, but here’s one you can take to the bank: Houston is going to light up MSU’s secondary like a Christmas tree. Seriously, Houston’s offense versus MSU’s defense is the worst mismatch in the history of mismatches. A close second on that list? MSU’s running game versus Houston’s defense. Houston may throw for 700 yards, MSU may run for 500 yards, and all of this might happen in a driving rainstorm. State’s fumble-itis better be cured because if it isn’t, they might get embarrassed. All things equal, the last team with the ball probably wins.

State at home: +15 MSU
On homecoming: +10 MSU
Wet football: +15 MSU
Torbush vs. Spread Passing Offense: +45 Houston
Anthony Dixon is a beast bonus: +6 MSU

Will Run It (almost) Every Play 58
Will Pass It (almost) Every Play 57

Alabama at Mississippi

Dave says:

This was supposed to be the first of two key games for Ole Miss. #3 Alabama at home against then ranked #4 Ole Miss. The Rebels were supposed to have an advantage over Alabama at home. This is where the contenders meet the pretenders. Alabama is a contender for the BCS title and Ole Miss is a pretend top 25 team. Jevan Snead, for whatever reason, just doesn’t look good this year. Maybe he’s missing dominant OL Michael Oher? Alabama’s Greg McElroy has looked sharp this year, and Mark Ingram has been solid running the ball. What does this mean?

Alabama 27
Ole Miss 21

Doug says:

Generally speaking, the bottom-rung SEC teams generally have a nemesis on their schedule; someone they almost never beat. They could have the team of the century, and still find ways to lose to their nemesis. Mississippi State has LSU. Kentucky has Florida. Vanderbilt has, well, the entire conference (except Ole Miss, ironically enough). Ole Miss? Their nemesis is Alabama. The Rebs are due to play a complete football game, and they’re probably rallying around the tragic death of Tony Fein. Houston Nutt, for all his faults, is the master at motivating his teams for big games. And at the end of the day, none of this will matter. Snead will get hit often as Bama’s defense controls the game early. Bama’s offense will slowly, methodically impose their will. And there’s nothing Ole Miss can do about it. Because Alabama is their nemesis.

Mississippi at home: +15 Miss
Big Game Houston Nutt: +5 Miss
McCluster and Snead: +10 Miss
McClain and Cody: +30 Alabama
Rebs offensive line: +10 Alabama

Crimson Legends 27
Confederates 17

Florida at LSU

Dave says:

The rumble in the jungle! The #1 defending National Champions come to Red Stick to face what may be the luckiest team in America. LSU did what it took to win two road games they should’ve lost: that’s the sign of a champion. How is Tim Tebow’s head? How is Al Jones (you probably know him as Rahim Alem)? This is a night game at Tiger Stadium, which LSU believes makes them unbeatable. Maybe this is the upset special of the week? I wonder if Brandon LaFell will replace his under-eye tag “play maker” with “* only against Mississippi State.”

Florida 27
LSU 26

Doug says:

Everyone believes Tim Tebow is going to play in this game. He’s been practicing, and Urban Meyer has been predictably coy about who the starter is going to be. I’ll go ahead and say what every Florida fan is thinking, but doesn’t want to say: Tebow has no business playing this game. His health is a lot more important than a football game. Then again, this is #1 versus #4. Meyer is probably going to have to lock Tebow in the training room to keep him out of the game. In the end, I don’t think it’s going to matter who starts. Les Miles is like the crazy old guy at the end of the craps table: he’s been on a roll for a long time, hitting points and hard ways, but you know that seven is coming. I think it hits this week in front of 90,000 pissed off coonasses.

LSU at home: +15 LSU
At night: +5 LSU
Against the #1 team in the land: +20 Fla
Uncertainty over the starter: +5 Fla
Crazy Lester Miles might do anything: Push

Tigerbait 22
Gatorbait 17

Records

Last week:
Dave (6-1)
Doug (6-1)

Overall:
Dave (37-5)
Doug (37-5)